Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
