please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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