everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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