I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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