Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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