So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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