Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
