its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
