I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
