made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
