i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
