we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
