found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
