omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
