I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
