Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
