ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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