Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
