What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
