some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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