genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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