I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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