when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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