I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
