I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
