I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm too high and old for this...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
