what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize