I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
