i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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