Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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