Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
