I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He's a Shit stain on my heart
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
