THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
