Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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