She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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