my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Michael Bay diarrhea
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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