I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
