Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize