My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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