If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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