two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
