I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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