Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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