He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
