Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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