I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
