I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
