So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
