the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
