I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
