Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
