No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
