We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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