Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
where are my pants?
in the oven.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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