Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
