Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
