oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
